TRUTH OR DARE! Vampire style YEAH BABY YEAH
by lolthebest1
Summary: CHAOS! That is what happened when the Cullens and Bella decided to play truth or dare! Hopefully this is funny. Might be a few 'saucy' moments and a certain someone will have to dress as a GIRL! Same ol' couples ExB EmxR JxA CxEs yeah I changed the title.
1. Who's Playing?

**This stuff gets better in later chapters...**

**PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!**

**Alice:** OH MY GOD

**Alice:** OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH…….MY……… GOD!!

**Edward:** _(looks away from newspaper)_ What?

**Alice:** _(jumps up and down excitedly) _I have the best idea in the WHOLE universe!

**Edward:** _(looking rather pissed)_ What's that then?

**Alice:** Let's play Truth or Dare.

**Bella:** _(runs into room) _YEAH! That is a great idea, are you going to play Eddie?

**Edward:** _(groans)_ NO! there is no way I am playing truth or dare with you and Alice, NO WAY, NEVER!

**Bella:** _(in a pathetically babyish voice)_ But Eddikins me want woo to pway.

**Edward:** No

**Bella:** _(looks at Edward in a cute way)_ PWEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASE!!

**Edward:** _(sighs)_ How can I resist that look, ok I'll play.

**Bella and Alice:** YAY!

_(Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie come charging into the room, Jasper is in an Emo outfit, Emmett is wearing a pink Hannah Montana scarf with yobbo jeans and Rosalie is dressed in a slutty miniskirt.)_

**Emmett:** WASSUP!!

**Bella:** er……. hi

**Alice:** Do you guys wanna play truth or dare?

**Emmett:** YES! _**(It might give me a chance to do something dumb without people actually thinking I am dumb)****.**_

**Rosalie:** YES! _**(If I play then it will give everyone a chance to see how totally gorgeous I am whilst I am doing dumb things).**_

**Jasper:** NO!

**Alice:** (_in a pathetically babyish voice_) Pwease Jazzykins it will make me veddy sad if woo don't pway.

**Jasper:** Will it make me less of an emo?

**Alice:** No

**Jasper:** Ok I'll play.

**Alice:** Excellent.

**Emmett:** Let's gets this party started! _(starts to dance like a maniac)_

**Rosalie**: _(rolls eyes, lets out a dejected sigh and poses in front of a mirror)_ Why did I marry a retard?

**Edward:** Because you're a retard too.

**Emmett:** _(screams very, very loudly)_ YEAH BABY YEAH!


	2. MotherSon bonding time aww sweeeeet

**Hi guys… I hope this is funny! Some of you probably won't like it, oh well.**

_(The Cullen kids and Bella are sitting in a circle on the floor in the living room)_

**Edward:** Can we PLEASE just start this stupid game Alice.

**Alice: **OK, OK le--

**(Carlisle and Esme stroll into the room)**

**Carlisle:** Hey kids watcha doing_--(sees everyone huddled up in a circle on the floor)_—oh don't tell me your dealing drugs again Emmett?

**Emmett:** NO! we are playing truth or dare.

**Carlisle:** Oooh, yay, I'm playing too.

**Esme:** And me.

**Emmett:** Noooooo, adults are no fun at games and they just ruin everything. EVERYTHING!

**Edward:** Just let them play the God damn game Emmett, the sooner this is over the better.

**Emmett:** _(sulking)_ Fine then.

**Alice:** Ok let's start, who wants to go first…..

**Emmett: **_(thrashing around wildly)_ ME ME ME!!

**Rosalie:** _(tries to restrain Emmett)_

**Alice: **Ummm how about _(looks around the room)_ Emmett!

**Emmett:** WHOPPY!! Ok Esme truth or dare…

**Esme:** _(hesitates)_ Well, I don't want to have to go parading round the shopping centre in my bra and knickers like last time so I think I will pick truth.

**Emmett: **Who's your favourite son?

**Esme: **NO!! Don't ask me that! Anything but that…..

**Edward:** _(smiling smugly)_ You've got to answer Esme.

**Esme:** Ok….well…..my favourite son is……

**Emmett: **Who who who who WHO!!

**Esme:** Edward

**Jasper and Emmett:** WHAT!!

**Edward:** _(smiles even more smugly)_

**Esme:** Well Edward is the smallest and most innocent of the three of you, he hasn't been exposed to certain er… things… so he needs more love and attention. I still like you guys, but Eddie is soooo sweet and cute and adorable, not to mention niave, he needs to be protected from harsh reality. Oh I love you my wittle baby Eddiekins.

**Edward:** _(lisping in a babyish way)_ I wuv woo too mummykins…

_(Edward and Esme share a mother–son cuddle) _

**Emmett:** BUT MAH MAH !!

**Esme:** NOT NOW EMMETT! I am busy giving Eddie a cuddle.

**Emmett: **I told you they would ruin everything. _(runs into next room wailing about how he isn't loved)_

**Jasper:** _(stays seated, his face conveying no emotion)_ Must remain emo.

_(Edward picks up Bella and gives her a cuddle, both do puppy dog eyes at Esme)_

**Esme:** Oooooooh aren't they adorable, oh my wittle angels _(hugs Bella and Edward)_.

**Carlisle:** Yeah, my favourite son is Eddie too, he was my firstborn, I remember when we first went out hunting, awww he was so lovable back then I remember when he would run around the house stark naked before I gave him a bath, awww happy days. _(Joins in hug)_. Oh Edward I forgot to ask you why don't you let me bath you anymore remember how fun it was?

**Bella: **EXCUSE ME!!

**Edward: **CARLISLE!!

**Rosalie:** err….. guys I hate to interrupt your special bonding time, but can we please get back to the game.

**Alice:** I quite agree.

**Jasper:** What they said.

**Esme:** _(breaks out of hug)_ Yes, Now who will be next, ah Rosalie, Truth or Dare?


	3. Emmett and Hannah Montana

**Ok this is really OCC (for Emmett)… there is also some f words in it so if your under…lets say…13 then don't read it…This is all about Emmett and his passion for Hannah Montana. I don't think it's very good, but what the hell…**

**Rosalie:** truth

**Esme:** Is there a human that you envy and why?

**Rosalie:** I don't envy any humans they are all ugly barsterds.

**Bella:** Cheers!

**Edward:** Rosalie I think you might be telling us a little porky pie…

**Rosalie:** Oh fine then. I envy Hannah Montana because Emmett is totally obsessed with her and all he does is what her dumb ass show…. WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T??

**Edward:** HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA THAT IS HILARIOUS! You envy Hannah Montana……………….HA!

**Rosalie:** Emmett why do you like her so much? I am one million billion times prettier than her.

**Emmett:** Hannah sings especially for me and you never do.

**Alice: **Emmett, Hannah Montana doesn't sing especially for you, she is singing to the millions of people watching her programme.

**Emmett:** YES SHE DOES SHE SINGS FOR MEEEEEEEEMEEEEEEEEEEE!

**Rosalie:** AHHHH I can't take this anymore…….I know…….Emmett truth or dare?

**Emmett: **DAREY WAREY!!

**Carlisle:** What did you say?

**Edward:** I think he is saying dare.

**Rosalie:** Mwahahahaaaaa great now for my brilliant plan. Emmett I dare you to go and get all your Hannah Montana stuff, the pencil cases the scarf the posters the curtains the tons of toilet paper (that you don't use) the t-shirts the shoes the plasters the Nintendo Ds game the special limited addition alarm clock the bench the bin the carpet the mouse mat the telephone the towel the err……..you know what…….and YOUR SPECIAL HANNAH MONTANA BLANKIE!! Then you have to burn it all.

**Emmett:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT BLANKIE AAAAAHHHHH MAH MAH DO SOMETHING!

**Esme: **_(is busy fussing over Edward)_ I can't help you.

**Emmett: **DAH DAH!

**Carlisle:** _(is busy combing Edward's hair)_ SHHHHHHHH I'm busy.

**Emmett:** AHHHHH! ME CAN'T DO IT!!

**Alice:** You have to.

**Jasper:** yeh

**Rosalie:** Emmett, if you don't do this then I am gonna get a divorce and move to Tanya's coven even though she is a deranged psychopath it would be better than living with you and your Hannah Montana obsession.

**Emmett:** WAH?

**Edward:** Basically you have to choose between Rosalie and Hannah Montana.

**Emmett:** Nonononoononooo me can't choose!

**Rosalie:** You have to.

_(Emmett runs upstairs, picks up all his Hannah Montana items, throws the out of the window and then runs outside the rest of the Cullen's + Bella follow) _

**Rosalie:** YAY! I knew he would pick meeee……

**Emmett:**_ (Stroking broken Hannah Montana Items)_ Goodbye Hannah, I wuv you too….but me have to kill you now….you go to heaven wit all da pwetty creatures God made, say hi to Jesus for me and thank him for fixin' ma stereo--

**Edward:** WHAT?

**Emmett:** I wuv you Hannah, may you rest in peace…..

_(Emmett lights a match then throws it onto the Hannah Montana stuff)_

**Emmett:** WAAHH I can't watch my poor wittle Hannah die……..

**Rosalie:** DO IT EMMETT!

**Emmett:** otay…..

_(All the Cullens watch the Hannah Montana paraphernalia go up in flames, Emmett sobbing dry tears, everyone else stays silent, apart from Rosalie)_

**Rosalie:** HAHAHAHA!! DIE YOU STUPID LOSER!! HAHA HANNAH'S DEAD HEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

**Edward:** What a great day for humankind--

**Emmett:** OH HANNAH MY PWECIOUS, SHE GONE FOREVER, I WILL NEVER SEE HER BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN, OHHHHHHHH I WILL NEVER HEAR HER LOVELY VOICE, WAAAAAAAAAA!!

**Alice:** That reminds me, we must keep Emmett away from the TV at 4pm……

**Jasper:** yeh

**Emmett:** _(wails)_ OHHHHHHHHWAAAAAAA HANNAH MAAAHHHHH

**Esme:** Calm down Emmett.

**Emmett:** NOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Edward:** Look Emmett, Hannah is going to a better place, she is going to see God and Jesus and all da pwetty creatures in Heaven, she might become your guardian angel and then she will be able to visit you all the time.

**Emmett: **Rweally?

**Edward:** Yeah and Jesus will let her have her own show in heaven and when you die--oh sorry you don't-- well anyway God will be wuvly to Hannahkins and den Hannah will be happy!

**Bella:** AW Eddikins, your soooooooooooo cute with a lisp…..

**Edward:** I know

_(Bella and Edward have a long, passionate, kiss in front of everyone)_

**Emmett:** heehee Eddie and Bella being naughty, Aren't you going to tell them off Dah Dah?

**Carlisle: **No, I'm just pleased Eddie isn't gay, at one point when he ran into my bedroom stark naked I thought he was coming onto me. _(Shudder)_

**Bella:** WHAT!!

**Edward:** CARLISLE I WAS A NEWBORN!!

**Carlisle:** That's no excuse for trying it on with your father…

**Edward:** I wasn't trying it on, I had just come out of the bath and I wanted cuddle time.

**Carlisle: **Aww remember Cuddle time that was fun, you looked cute in that newborn baby suit--

**Bella:** WHAT THE HELL!!

_(Everyone stares at Edward)_

**Edward: **HE'S JUST JOKING!! Aren't you Carlisle??

**Carlisle:** What…..No I'm not…….._(Sees Edward staring aggressively at him) _OH!! YEAH!! I am joking!! Yeah it's all one big joke……..

**Bella:** Thank God.

**Emmett:** _(Has Hysterical fit)_ HAAAANNNNNNNNNNAHHHH!

**Alice:** Umm…..If it's any consolation Emmett, Miley Cyrus is still alive.

**Emmett:** I HATE THAT STUPID DUMB FUCK!!

**Edward: **It's gonna be one heck of a long night……..

**Emmett:** ANYWAY My turn to choose…..er……Eddie truth or dare?

**I just want to let you know that Hannah Montana is still alive (don't worry, she never died) and that some of that merchandise doesn't exist…. BYE!**

**PLEASE REVIEW!!**


	4. Edward's gay and Emmett loves SOY SAUCE!

**Ok this is really rubbish (seriously it is) but what the heck! I'm going to add it as another chapter anyway. It gets better near the end because Emmett has a fit about Soy Sauce…….apart from that it is quite boring……. Emmett is very OCC. LOADS OF SWEARING so don't read if you're like under 13.**

**Edward:** Emmett you've already had a go.

**Emmett:** Me want another!!

**Edward:** But that's not fair on everyone else…….

**Carlisle:** He's been through a big ordeal today, I think that we should let him have another turn.

**Edward:** _(sighing)_ Fine…

**Emmett:** YAY! Eddie truth or dare?

**Edward: **er…….dare……………

**Emmett:** I was hoping you would pick that!!

**Edward: **Oh God………

**Emmett:** I dare you to let Alice give you a make over and dress you in sexy lady lingerie's!

**Alice:** I've always wanted to play dress up with Eddiekins!

**Edward: **NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Please no! I can't do it I can't……….

**Rosalie:** You've got to Edward.

**Edward:** BUT I CAN'T LET BELLA SEE ME IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR!

**Esme:** Why not?

**Jasper:** yeh?

**Edward:** Because she'll never look at me in the same way again, I will lose all of my manly-ness oohh I can't lose my manly-ness--

**Bella:** PWEASE EDDIE! I want to see you in sexy lady underwear.

**Edward: **BUT BELLA--

**Emmett:** Just Do it Edward GOD it's not hard……. All you have to do is let Alice dress you! It's not as bad as having to kill Hannah Montana!

**Edward: **IT'S A MILLION TIMES WORSE THAN HAVING TO KILL HANNAH FREAKIN' MONTANA!!

**Carlisle:** Calm down Edward…

**Alice:** C'mon Eddiekins lets go play dress up.

**Edward:** OH GOD I--

_(Alice drags Edward up the stairs)_

**Carlisle:** I'm gonna go wait for them in the living room.

**Emmett:** ME WANT THAY BLOOD THAT YOU KEEP IN YOUR FAKE BREAST DAH DAH!

**Carlisle:** Very well _(puts fake breast filled with blood on, Emmett drinks hungrily from the nipple)_

**Bella:** WHAT THE FU--

**Rosalie:** I wouldn't look if I were you, this might turn nasty…….

……………………………20 LONG MINUTES LATER…………………………

**Alice: **_(from upstairs) _We're ready!

**Edward: **OH LORD!

_(Edward and Alice walk into the room. Edward is wearing a very revealing thong and Bra, which is stuffed with tissues. His face is covered in make up and his hair has been curled to look more feminine)_

**Bella:** _(Screams hysterically)_

**Edward:** _(rushes to Bella's side) _Are you all right love?

**Bella:** AAAAAAAAH GET AWAY FROM ME YOU…..YOU…..FREAK!!

**Edward:** Bella it's me, Edward.

**Bella:** _(faints)_

**Edward:** BELLA!!

**Carlisle:** Don't worry she'll come round in a second……That outfit suits you Edward…….

**Edward:** _(ripping off bra)_ SHUT UP!!

…………………**2 Minutes Later…………………**

**Edward: **She's waking up!

**Bella:** _(seeing Edward)_ AAAAAAAAH!! …….Oooooooh nice chest…..sexy….

_(Bella and Edward passionately kiss for a very, very long time. Edward is still wearing the thong)_

**Emmett:** CARLISLE!

**Carlisle:** _(Gazing at Bella and Edward)_ WHAT!

**Emmett:** Me getting bored of watching Bella and Edward make out.

**Carlisle: **HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT! I have never seen such a beautiful sight, a young couple in love, oooooh I can feel the passion in the air _(hugs Esme)_ Our little Eddie's all grown up…….aww bless him…… When he was a little 'un he was such a cutey pie. I remember when I first told him about where a baby came from…..he didn't take it very well, at first he didn't believe me, then he said that he would never ever have a girlfriend and do disgusting sinful things to make a baby. Bless his innocence….I always thought he was gay…..

_(Bella and Edward stop kissing)_

**Bella: **WHAT?

**Edward:** I AM NOT GAY!

**Emmett:** There's nothing wrong with being a poof Edward.

**Edward:** I AM NOT A POOF!

**Rosalie:** Well we all thought you were, until you met Bella, I still have my doubts though…

**Edward:** I AM STRAIGHT, OK STRAIGHT!

**Emmett:** Edward, you're standing in the middle of the room with your hands on your hips wearing nothing but a ladies thong, how can you tell me that your not gay?

**Edward:** Well, umm, DON'T BELIEVE GAY STEREOTYPES!

_(Edward marches up the stairs, then returns one minute later, full clothed)_

**Edward:** CAN WE JUST GET ON WITH THIS DUMB ASS GAME!!

**Jasper:** yeh

**Emmett:** SOY SAUCE!

**Alice:** What?

**Emmett:** I LIKE DA SOY SAUCE!

**Rosalie:** Emmett, you can't have soy sauce you're a vampire…

**Emmett:** I WANT SOY SAUCE!

**Carlisle:** I don't think we have any……

**Emmett:** I WANT SOME FRIGGIN SOY SAUCE YOU FRIGGIN BAD ASS LOONIES GIMMIE SOY SAUCE!!

**Bella: **Edward I'm scared.

**Edward:** Don't worry love, I'm sure Emmett will return to his normal state of mind in a few moments.

**Emmett:** SOY SAUCE I LIKE DA SOY SAUCE I WANT IT SOO BAD DA SOY SAUCE YEAH BABY GIMMIE FREAKIN' SOY SAUCE OOOOOOOOHHHH

_(runs into kitchen, finds some soy sauce that is five years old, desperately attempts to open the bottle)_

**Emmett:** I CAN'T OPEN THE FREAKIN' SOY SAUCE THE FREAKIN' DUMBFUCK BOTTLE WON'T FREAKIN' OPEN AAAAAAAAAH OPEN YOU DUMB ASS I HATE YOU FREAKIN' SON OF A --

_(Emmett rips open the bottle, spraying the immaculately white walls with soy sauce)_

**Emmett:** AAAAHH THE FRIGGIN SOY SAUCE IS GONE AAAAH I WANT DA SOY SAUCE, IT'S ALL THAT STUPID DUMBFUCK BOTTLES FAULT I AM GONNA KILL DAT BOTTLE STUPID FREAKIN' SHIT LEAVIN' ME WIT NO SOY FRIGGIN SAUCE THE SON OF A BITCH AAAAAAHHHHH!

_(In desperation to taste some soy sauce, Emmett starts to lick the walls)_

**Emmett:** I LIK DA SOY SAUCE IT TASTY BABY!

**Carlisle:** Emmett stop it now……….

**Emmett:** I MAKE LOVE TO ZEE SOY SAUCE!

**Rosalie:** WHAT!

**Edward:** LOOK EMMETT, IT'S HANNAH MONTANA BACK FROM THE DEAD AND SHE'S HOLDING A BOTTLE OF SOY SAUCE!

**Emmett: **WHERE?

_(Carlisle injects Emmett with a calming drug)_

**Emmett:** pwetty…..colours………._(he collapses)_

**Edward:** That, was random, anyway Carlisle truth or dare?

**That was rubbish, I know. I think the whole soy sauce thing was quite funny but apart from that it was quite boring. Please review and tell me whether I should carry on writing these, because I might stop if no one reads them. BYE!**


End file.
